How Do We Have Successful Relationships?

We all have our unwritten rules that tell others what we expect and how to get along with us. Sophie, our younger dog, has three unwritten but quite clear policies. She is happy unless we disturb her while sleeping, eating, or playing with her toys. Other than those times she loves to interact. Her message of “leave me alone” is a clear and concise growl that says, “You have crossed the line.” Relationships have rules for success as well. Dr. Nancy Wesson put together a list of fifteen policies that help us identify when we are on track or “crossing the line.”

Partners can manage conflict and differences without despair or threats.

Both partners protect and nourish the relationship and make it a priority (not addicted to work, for example).

Both partners know how to be responsible for needs and also for the care of the relationship.

Both partners feel “special” to the other and express appreciation to each other. Arguments or fights do not lead to abuse or threatened break ups.

Both partners can communicate wants, needs, feelings, and emotional issues with little or no shame.

There is unconditional love if not unconditional agreement.

The relationship feels and is nurturing, comfortable, and fun.

Both partners attend to the needs of each other willingly and lovingly.

The sexual relationship works well and is mutually satisfying.

Both partners can and do keep agreements (maturity).

Both partners are honest.

There is no abuse: physical, verbal, or emotional (ignoring).

Partners can hear feedback from each other that they may be projecting old relationship fears or issues onto the current relationship.

There is commitment: exits are blocked in the relationship.

Both partners have boundaries:

Each can say “no” to requests without feeling guilty and can tell the partner when something does not feel right or hurts them.

“People pleasing” is kept to a minimum and neither one feels they are making a great sacrifice to stay in the relationship. Each is able to do his/her work, attend to children, and care for other aspects of life without threatening the relationship.

Though this appears to be a simple list, it is not always easy to achieve. The “how to” requires proficiency, insight, and determination. Not many people come to relationships with the knowledge, skill, and emotional maturity necessary to accomplish these fifteen recommendations. (I had no about this when I married at 21 years old and I didn't know that I didn't know.)

Sophie’s message says “steer clear right now.” These rules say that we may have some things to learn in order to have the kind of relationship we want. When we take the time to learn, love continues to blossom and families give each other the gift of better skills and knowledge for the next generation. We can decrease the divorce statistics by being partners willing to follow guidelines developed by those who have already learned the hard way.

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